Thoughts at a Rolling Boil

I thought that I would go to sleep a little early tonight before my four month-old daughter, Claire, woke for her 11pm-ish feeding. That was prior to beginning R.T. Kendall's book, Out of Your Comfort Zone, Is Your God Too Safe? Truly, I've only read about 30 pages, but my thoughts are just bumping into each other. Really too much so to even make sense of them right now. But I am highly intrigued so far and can't wait to see what I learn as I progress through the book.

But there is one conviction I wanted to blog about. Let me set the stage a bit. Little Claire is adorable as any baby, but her sleeping habits are somewhat lacking in continuity and endurance! We never know what the night is going to be like or daytime naps. An hour and 15 minutes is about the longest she will sleep during the day and consequently, she doesn't stay awake for very long. Putting a baby to sleep 5 - 6 times a day is tiring. All of the night wakings and stirrings keep me feeling like a "Jill in the Box". Some days I am okay. Occasionally, like today, I feel great. And some days, like earlier this week, I feel like I did when Claire was 3 weeks old.

In commiserating with my sister who is a mother of three, I piously wondered why God wouldn't answer my prayer for Claire to sleep better at night? What is so wrong with that? Really, my thinking is that God is mean and honestly, kind of stupid. I mean, we all know that a rested mom is much better than a grumpy mom. This conversation came back to me as I was reading Kendall's book tonight.

Basically, God wasn't fitting into my "nice" category and therefore, was just not working for me at all. Kendall begins in his first chapter posing the theory that maybe God plays hard to get just to get a little more out of us. I know what would happen if I had a baby that slept well and took the textbook two hour naps. I would go around telling other moms how I did things and wonder what they were doing so wrong that they couldn't get their babies to sleep. This would be one of the rudest things I could do in the world of mom-dom. I know because I received this kind of advice and I was a little hot (and not so nice in my email reply which I had to later apologize for). So, in giving me a baby that doesn't comply (and is like so many others), God has graciously spared me from myself. He has enabled me to be more real, more authentic and more empathetic. That makes it a little bit easier to live with Grumpy Nicole. At least for me. My husband may have a different opinion on that.

And I can stretch my perspective of God, which is probably closer to I-think-you-should-make-my-life-comfortable God than who He really is. The Creator and Master of the Universe loves me, but He is not afraid to let me squirm and reach a bit so that I can grow and yearn for Him past my desire for 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I think I'm okay now. Thoughts are not rolling any longer and I think I can go to sleep. That is, after I feed my baby who is, like clockwork, waking for her last feeding!